When life expects perfection, gain a new perspective on how to be "real" about our flaws.
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Welcome to the Be Your Best Self Blog by Marsha Abbott. "It's Time to Be Real!".
In the past two years since we moved, I have had the opportunity to meet new parents in the community whose children may either ride the same bus as my children, or attend the same school, or participate in the same sporting events. Whatever the case, I have made some nice friendships and have met quite a few people that have touched my life in one way or another.
About two months ago, I met this woman for the first time. Her two children have become friends with my two younger children. And as she opened up and shared her story with me, I just have to say that I was inspired. Inspired by her strength and her resilience to fight the obstacles thrown her way. Inspired by her desire and perseverance to figure out how to make her life better. She inspired me, through her story, in more ways than one.
This woman shared with me the story of her struggle with alcohol addiction. She talked about how her past led her down this road. She shared how it developed into a serious problem as she became a young adult. She opened up about how things felt like they were spiraling out of control last year. And how she made the choice to get help, to overcome her demon, and to finally get sober. I am proud to say that this woman recently celebrated a whole year of sobriety! That alone is more than enough to motivate anyone! It’s enough to encourage all of us to take control and to overcome whatever demons we may be fighting in our life.
But interestingly enough, that was not the only thing that inspired me with this woman and her story. It was something else she did that she probably doesn’t even realize she was brave enough to do. It was something else she said that really struck a chord with me. It was something else altogether…
As this woman was getting to the end of her story and telling me about her one-year anniversary of sobriety coming up, the last sentence she finished with was this…
”I still struggle with the shame of this addiction. It is something I am still learning to overcome as I navigate this next part of my journey.”
And I have to tell you…I couldn’t believe it. I just couldn’t believe that she felt shame. The reason why it was so shocking to me was because as she told her story, I was so incredibly moved. As she opened up about her life, the only words that came to my to mind were: Bravery, Strength, Determination, Success. Never…not even one time…did the word “shame” cross my mind. Not even for one second did I look at her and think she should feel ashamed. In fact, I couldn’t be prouder to know her, her story, and her strength to do something so incredibly hard. She amazes me! Literally! And her resilience is something I admire more than I can even put into words.
But at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter what I think. It only matters what this woman thinks of herself. And after we said our goodbyes from that conversion, I couldn’t help but reflect on this “shame” she was feeling inside. Why was that the word she used to describe how she felt about her flaw? Why did she even have these feelings? How could she possibly feel this way after all that she has overcome? And let’s take this a step further, why is it when we make mistakes or our life doesn’t map out the perfect way society expects it to, do we suddenly feel ashamed of ourselves? Why do we all do this?
I believe it comes from the same mentality that continues to drive our culture today. It’s our need for perfectionism. Our innate desire to be the best at everything. It’s why, I believe, we only talk about what our children do well instead of being honest with their faults. It’s why, I believe, we are willing to shout our good news from the top of a mountain and yet, the bad news is something we try to keep secret. It’s why, I believe, people feel shame when they make mistakes or mess up because they haven’t lived up to this idea of a “perfect life” or a “perfect family.” It’s the idea that perfectionism is required in our society in order for us to be looked up to or to be respected.
If you ask me, this idea, this mentality, it’s literally just crazy! And we all continue to drive ourselves insane with this idea of being perfect. A perfect life…a perfect family…a perfect marriage…a perfect body…and the list goes on and on. Then we add social media tools to the mix. These tools continue to allow us all to create that image of flawlessness. It helps us all to create that illusion that our life and our family is perfect.
It’s Time to Be Real! It’s time to be honest…with ourselves and those in our world. It’s time for all of us to start facing the reality that exists all around us instead of this delusional idea of perfection.
And here is our reality: We are all made to be imperfect creatures! Every single one of us. We are all bound to make plenty of mistakes in our lifetime. Our children, our family, our marriage, our body…none of it is perfect. And none of it will ever be perfect. But frankly, I don’t want it to be. Over the years, I have come to understand that mistakes are a huge part of how we learn. It’s how we come to understand more about ourselves, our family, and navigating this world around us. So it’s time to start being real…to stop hiding our mistakes and imperfections… and most importantly to stop being ashamed of our flaws.
This cycle can only end if we can start being “real” in our lives…like my new friend did. And by sharing her story and by actually being honest, this is what truly moved me that day. It’s about being real enough to admit our failures along with our successes. Being real enough to share our story no matter how hard it might be. Being real enough with each other, so we can all learn and grow together on this crazy journey called “life”.
So to my new friend who opened up a part of her soul that I have no doubt was incredibly hard to share…I just want to say Thank You. Thank You for being brave enough to admit that life isn’t always perfect. Thank Youfor teaching me that imperfections end up making us who we are today, and when we are resilient enough, we can work through them. And mostly, Thank You for being “real”. For leading the way to a new, better, and imperfect world where flaws don’t have to be hidden. Because let’s face it, we all have demons in our life. You were just brave enough to open up about yours. And for that, you should never…not even for one second… feel ashamed.